WASHINGTON D.C.–The United States Department of Treasury has admitted it held a cage match to determine whether abolitionist Harriet Tubman would replace former U.S. President Andrew Jackson on the 20 dollar bill.
U.S. Treasury Secretary Jacob Lew confirmed to LOL RI that the match took place at 12 pm on Monday in the basement of the department’s 1500 Pennsylvania Avenue building.
Using 21st Century technology, the two challengers’ were brought back to life and immediately placed in an intense training regiment, consisting of mixed martial arts, targeted cardio, and a high-protein diet.
While there has long been talk of replacing Jackson’s likeness on the note, given his controversial place in history, Treasury Secretary Jacob Lew said the department still wanted to give him a chance to defend his placement.
“We viewed this as a ‘title’ of sorts, and if you’re gonna take away someone’s title, it better be because they were beat by someone better,” said Lew, who later added, “I mean, come on, fair is fair.”
According to eye-witnesses, the cage match was “a real nail-biter.” Then again, so was the theatrical presentation of it. The Department used discretionary funds to hire a DJ and pass out foam fingers reading “USA #1”. Each contender even got to walk out to their own music.
Pounding his chest, the seventh President of the United States reportedly entered the cage blaring Eminem’s Lose Yourself. He was also overheard screaming “I killed like a bazillion Natives; you think you think this shit scares me?! DO YOU?!”
Not one to be punked out, Tubman soon entered of Disturbed’s Down with the Sickness to a cheering crowd of government personnel.
After the two tapped fists, a loud bell rang, signaling the beginning of the match.
Right away Tubman delivered a crushing elbow to the back of Jackson’s neck, and for a moment many thought he was down for the count, evidenced by a collective wave of “daaaamn!” from the crowd.
Jackson regained his footing, quickly placing Tubman in a Full Nelson hold. The two reportedly sparred for another 20 minutes, each giving the other a serious fight.
Ultimately, it was Tubman’s near flawless execution of the aerial Moonsault that did Jackson in and won her not only the cage match, but her place on the 20 dollar bill.
“Good thing she won,” said Lew. “I mean, we were going to put her on it anyway, but at least now we don’t have to break the news to Andrew. Awkward!”Follow @lolrisatire