Giant Vaudeville Cane Ominously Appears in Wings of DNC as Wasserman-Schultz Prepares Speech

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DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz nervously gives jazz hands while practicing her routine before the Democratic National Convention.

PHILADELPHIA, P.A.–Excited by the prospect of reviving a legendary show business tradition from the early 1900s, organizers placed a giant vaudeville cane in the wings of the Democratic National Convention stage Monday.

The prop is rumored to be for embattled Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, who is at the center of a primary campaign scandal, after leaked emails showed a concerted effort against former presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders (VT).

But organizers are saying that using the massive, Looney Tunes-esque prop has nothing to do with the email scandal and more to do with Wasserman-Schultz’s clumsy rendition of a dance routine she’s apparently been botching for months.

“This is less about a political scandal and way more about the poor quality of her dance number,” a top Democratic official told LOL RI. “If she misses one beat of that old-timey tap dance routine, we’ll hook her off stage so fast…”

Another source told LOL RI that there are “no excuses this time,” and that if Wasserman Schultz does not open the convention, it’s her fault.

“If Wasserman Schultz does not take the stage this evening, it will be because she failed to practice the one-two-three, one-two-three, pivot, turn, jump steps we gave her literally months ago,” another source said. “It’s like, how hard it is it, Debbie? You get your own piano player and everything. Man…”   

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