Obama Keeps Promise to Rhode Island

PROVIDENCE, R.I.— After cancelling a speaking engagement in Rhode Island to focus on containing Ebola, President Barack Obama kept his word and returned to Rhode Island on Halloween. Arriving at Rhode Island College early Froday morning, Obama congratulated Rhode Islanders on their good behavior–a condition he tied to his return. “You guys did such a good […]

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Obama to Rhode Island: I’ve Got Real Problems, Okay?

WASHINGTON, D.C.— An annoyed President Obama refuted allegations from Rhode Islanders that he “ignored America’s most influential state” by cancelling an event at Rhode Island College (RIC) on Thursday. Obama was scheduled to appear on RIC’s campus and read “Goodnight Moon” to 1,000 of its students, pausing slowly to share the illustrations before the would-be audience. Defusing the […]

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URI Setback: Discovered Fossils Actually Living Tenured Faculty

KINGSTON, R.I.— The University of Rhode Island (URI) suffered a major setback Wednesday, after what appeared to be an unprecedented discovery of ancient human remains turned out to be the withered bodies of the institution’s living, breathing tenured faculty members. According to the university’s public relations office, the confusion began after URI’s provost urged tenured faculty to remain current in their […]

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