Such Inspiration, Such Elegance.

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Chafee Declares ‘War on Bedtime Monsters’

  WARWICK, R.I.–Hoping to recast himself as a serious contender for the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination, former Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee declared a ‘War on Bedtime Monsters’ Monday afternoon. The Rhode Island political fixture participated in last week’s Democratic Primary debate, holding a baby’s bottle in one hand and plastic teething rings in the […]

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In Victory Speech, Raimondo Vows to Save the Name Gina

Providence, R.I.— In her victory speech from the Biltmore Hotel, Governor-Elect Gina Raimondo (D) promised supporters she would do everything in her power to “rescue the name Gina from the stereotypes that have held us back for decades.” “For too long, people have associated the name Gina with huge hair, acrylic nails, and chewing gum while talking through a […]

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Obama Keeps Promise to Rhode Island

PROVIDENCE, R.I.— After cancelling a speaking engagement in Rhode Island to focus on containing Ebola, President Barack Obama kept his word and returned to Rhode Island on Halloween. Arriving at Rhode Island College early Froday morning, Obama congratulated Rhode Islanders on their good behavior–a condition he tied to his return. “You guys did such a good […]

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